🛑 Chapter 4: Oh Idjutness - Let Me Count the Ways!
Published: Thu, 06/29/23
Where was I? Ah yes! 'tis I, the Barb portion of the Dennis and Barb Partnership and when last we met, I had shared with you the my calm, dispassionate view of my college life like so:
And just to refresh your memory (cue "Last week in Star Trek: (fill in your fav series 😀 ), I had mentioned:
"... it was hell.
My self-confidence shot to an all-time low.
Such a low, in fact, that I started to consider an action from which nobody could return.
What stopped me??"
My self-confidence shot to an all-time low.
Such a low, in fact, that I started to consider an action from which nobody could return.
What stopped me??"
Well. Let's hop upon Mr. Peabody's and Sherman's WABAC (Wayback!) machine and travel back to that time.
My gosh.
Do you remember that TV show, Lost in Space, where Dr. Smith would always say, Oh the pain, the pain!
Welcome to my college years, where I commited to becoming a Math Major. There was just one teeny tiny problem:
I couldn't math my way out of a wet paper bag.
And you know what that's like?
Its a neverEnding stream of failures! Sigh. I even remember when my parents visited my college in an effort to have me removed from the math majors (like me, my mom would storm the gates of hell (in this case, switching majors) whenever they believed I was truly being beyond idjutotic and quite unreasonable to boot).
Remember my neurodiversity of NVLD that nobody, including myself or my parents, knew I had? That was the main reason why I just could NOT grok Math, no matter how I tried (one NVLD trait is being able to see a thousand leaves but NOT see the tree it represents).
But I digress.
I manfully bulldozed my way thru my freshman year (when I discovered just how much I could not comprehend Math by getting a D in Pre-Calculus), my sophomore year (where I created the College Math Club and invited recruiters from bigname corporations to showcase careers in math), my junior year and let's halt there for a second, aye?
That was the year that not only did I continue my blazing abilities to misunderstand just about *everything* in math... but my boyfriend at the time was an emotional abuser . I never really recognized that...until he shared this statement with me:
"It would be so cool if you killed yourself because then I'd have a tragic romance like Romeo and Juliet!"
Why I didn't just fling him off the top of the math building, I have no idea.
Later that evening, I examined my collection of sharp implements (I collect them; they're so handy to open *anything* when needed) and then realized:
"Jeepers self, that would hurt an awesome much!"
So I went to sleep and the next day, looked for a counselor and, well, life went on.
But that *whole* devaluing me as a person... stuck with me. I began (I kid you not) always announce myself in office hours as "It's just Barb, no one important."
You know, NOW I am capable of looking back at that time and feeling a sense of gratitude because I now know how such desperation can feel... and am now rather excellent at helping people both online and offline. I'm fond of saying the greatest gifts your guardian angel gives you... can only be received by walking through the fire and emerging on the other side.
So! To recap, what stopped me? 'Twas a combo of:
Common Sense (me hates pain!)
Getting Back at the guy (which I did by reversing the situation and letting him experience the whole range of feelings that, back then, I would say "he made me go thru." Nowadays, I *never* give people control over me like that (aka, if a person "made me feel" xyz, that person then had power over me. So nowadays, I'll say, "I let those person's actions invoke feelings of xyz in me; it's up to me to strengthen my mental and emotional fortitude." That way, I am in *complete* ownership of *me*.
But i digress.
It all ended after graduation, when I was chosen to work at AT&T. When asked why I was chosen (I was up against lots of programmers), my future manager told me, programmers do what they're taught. Math people accept being daring with creative solution exploration.
Isn't that incredible? I won out over competitors far more skillful than me, because I was taught creative ways to think my path outside of any box, sphere, dodecahedron and more!
Wow. Just... wow.
And from there, I eventually moved to Bell Labs, met my future husband, got married 4 years later, and then leapt into that new chapter of my life, motherhood. The one that my mom had basically brainwashed me about - must! have! 2! or! 4! kids! I figured, I'm' going to LOVE this phase (and heck, I became the West's answer to the Tiger Mother - I was the MamaBear Mother).
But then, the unexpected happened. And it was sooooo bad, words fail.
It was so bad that the GPS got confused and went on strike.
It was so bad that even the politicians took a break from lying to express genuine sympathy.
It was so bad that the coffee in my coffeemaker turned itself into decaf out of sheer disappointment.
It was so bad that the ghost haunting the place decided to find a more cheerful haunt.
What exactly WAS it?
Tune in tomorrow and see... it will *really* tie into the original problem I had mentioned, that being willing to be proud of your skills and have no issues about admitting it. You'll really find that chapter to be as compelling as the latest episode of your fav series!
Have a strongly spectacular day,
Barb Ling and Dennis Becker
DAB Coaching
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